top of page

on boundaries

One of the biggest blocks to pleasure is not being able to say no - either when you don’t like where or how you are being touched, meaning you are going along with things that aren’t actually enjoyable for you (allowing rather than truly receiving on the Wheel of Consent). Or you avoid an encounter/play event that may have been enjoyable all together for fear of not being able to stop situations from going too far - rather than trusting in your ability to set clear boundaries beforehand... and stick to them, stopping things if needed by saying no and having it received. It might sound counter-intuitive, but research finds that the most loving compassionate people happen to also be those with the clearest boundaries. I was fascinated by Brene Browns work on this topic. Those who can say no when they needed to were more comfortable to share their compassion - rather than holding back for fear of being engulfed or overwhelmed by requests from others, exceeding their personal boundaries, that they couldn’t trust themselves to say no to. In my journey with sexuality I didn’t always get this right... so many times I went along with things. To keep the peace or make things ‘easier’ - although often the results were far more difficult than daring to speak up in the moment. And this reflected through all areas of my life. But it doesn’t serve anyone to hide your real desires - least of all you. Have a look at where you get a feeling of resistance to what’s happening in your relating - in and out of the bedroom.

That feeling of resistance, starting subtle, is a clue as to your boundary being pushed. What action can you take to clarify things and get back into a state of inner balance? Notice when things bother you and do something about it. Know that in the long run, speaking up and daring to displease will actually bring you into a more compassionate state, rather than less. Both with yourself, and those dear to you in your life. Make a pact with yourself - that you will serve your needs as well as anyone else’s. That you will consciously stalk the pleasure you wish for by noticing what is causing you displeasure - and acting on it to bring positive change


bottom of page